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Indian children in England?

My-India.Net: India Forum: India Society & Culture: Indian children in England?

By Nickie on Thursday, August 16, 2007 - 07:56 am: Edit Post

To be Indian or not to be that is the question

My whole life all I have heard is don't do this and don't do that, not for my own sake, but for the family's sake. 'Niki, don't do that what will people say if they see you doing that', our families name will go down the drain. Well why the hell do you want to come to England and live a life like the one in India? Why don't you just stay in India? All my life I have been sitting, watching the westerners, living there life to the max, sitting with their fathers doing what they like. Whilst I sat with my family it's the fact that I can't do anything, I can't go home and say oh mum this guy really likes me and I want to see the movie with him tomorrow', but if I said that all she would say is 'no all he wants is SEX. Can't they understand that when you tell a child what to do, they always do visa-versa? I know many of my mates, who will do things behind their parent's backs, not because they get a thrill of it, but because they have to, if they told their parents what they were doing they wouldn't be able to live a 'normal' western life, but be dragged at the feet with the weight of Asian civilisation. I hate it, I am not loved for being who I am, and I am not hated for being who I am, but I am hated by my parents for being who I am in a Indian body, for example if I was a white child smoking, it would be fie, but being Indian and smoking, oh no thats totally wrong and should never be. I am so disappointed with you', why? Why are disappointed with me, is it because I have done something wrong, or ask yourself is it something you have done that is wrong that has made me do something wrong? I sit, looking at my mates when results come in after a test, or after an exam has been taken, straight away they run to ring their parents, to hear the words I love you, as I sit not calling anyone, and little can I do just to imagine them words coming out of my parents mouths, because they probably dont even know I have a exam, and nether or less wont care. Though when the marks come out and they realise that I have done wrong or haven't done well, all they say is where is my money going, but all I have to say to that is, where be the enthusiasm that other children get, because I am certainly not getting that. The grass being greener on the other side, a quote given to say that it may seem nicer there but it isn't, well I strongly disagree, the grass IS greener on the other side, the children are affectionately shown love on the other side, and the children were certainly trusted before hand before losing that trust on the other side.

Sorry this review may seem very jumbled up, its just I haven't had time to think about it, and thoughts have just flown straight out of my head.

Message: Niki I completely sympathise with your situation. I am an indian girl in australia, but the problems are much the same. They do seem to care alot about the family name. What I really hate is how they move out of india to have a better life, but totally reject the australian way of life, they hate australians and hate their culture. I feel as though they are using this country, the country that gave them so much, and dont give anything back. While it is true, that today's youth has too much freedom, i don't think that is any reason to reject the people of australia as a whole. It is also the case I find, that Indian parents do not allow for their children simply to be children. We are always forced to do extra study, and study conventional subjects at school--never to pursue the humanities or what we are passionate about, but always to go with the tried and true (usually some sort of commerce degree). Having said that, it must also be stated that all parents do the best they can and the best they know how. (It just so happens that some parents don't know much about parenting at all!) I find it therefore difficult to be angry at them, because they approach things from the only way they know how-from an Indian perspective. I can't imagine leaving a western country like australia, or in your case Niki, England, in my mid 20s or 30s and raising a family in another country with another culture--especially a place like India, where so much is taboo. But this is what they have done. They approach things from a collectivist point of view, because in India, families are collective, extended, with lots of ppl living together--you learn to think of the family as one entity. In western countries, we are taught to be independent, and we see things from an individualistic societal point of view, which would be considered selfish in other parts of the world. It is difficult to point fingers, because no one is right or wrong, we are simply different. While the grass probably IS greener on the other side, and while I too, face alot of problems with my own family, I think I am a stronger and better person for being able to deal with them. I feel as though if I can deal with my parents, I can deal with anything life throws at me!!!
Nandan Pruthi: Nikki, I am male, thirty-three and was born in India but grew up in England. I am as English as the next person but at the same time a little Indian too. Research has shown that immigrants, irrespective of where they emigrated from, on arrival in their adoptive country become even MORE conservative with a "C" than they were before they emigrated. The problems of British-Asians as we are sometimes called 'euphamistically', are myriad and well documented. However, the individual stories and problems are never highlighted in these statistics if that is in fact what they are. I can remember growing up in London and having all kinds of problems at school but fortunately my parents (father and step-mother) never actually hassled me about normal growing up stuff. In my instance, I am not sure that it was the whole hyposcrisy surrounding boys being treated differently to girls. The whole family issue of 'izzat' (family name) is unfortunately very important to families of Indian (let's say Desi extraction because the same holds true for all families of Indian sub-continental extractions: Pakistani, Bangladeshi and for that matter Afghani and others.) However, you shouldn't be confused about, what this Q of 'izzat' means for you by extension. It means that your behaviour will always be scrutinised and critiqued mostly UNFAIRLY. Here is a practical suggesion that you may or may not choose to adopt or identify with. I have always believed that the control of information whether it be in one's personal life or professional life is extremely valuable. The spooks (CIA, MI5/6 etc) refer to it as compartmentalisation. The ability to control and manipulate the flow of information will be your biggest saviour and asset. When your mother asks where you are going don't life about going to the movies - just omit to mention that there will be boys there. Try and engineer chaperones that your parents are comfortable with. Go to the pictures with friends and in so doing you provide them with a degree of comfort and certainly do your own safety prospects no harm either. You are NOT alone in your familial situation and will I suspect find ready and willing friends to help you achieve your goal. On the issue of smoking, call it stupid, ill-educated and/or backward, women smoking in India (read=Indian type societies) is viewed as being evidence of 'loose' mores (morals). The hypocrisy doesn't end there I'm afraid, men smoking are viewed as being macho and sophisticated. You'll find that Indian women do actually smoke and it is considered failry acceptable in certain societal strata: apparently, your parents are not in the same circles and I do not mean that offensively. My own mother smoked for many years, openly and dealt with the same hypocrisy I am identifying here. Feel free to write to me directly if you ever feel the need to seek a balanced and experienced view. Hope my ramble helps you to understand your problem a little better.
Kindly, -Nandan
Johnny England: Nikki, face the facts mate. You can not be an indian and be english. You are just having a dysfunctional wet dream if you think you can be as english as the next person because you are just NOT and NEVER will be. Do yourself a favour. It must be a real mess inside your head. Ask yourself "why did my parents do this to me". They have removed you from your own society and left you a permanent outsider. You can get yourself a white girl, like most of you kaffirs seem to aspire to, but your sprogs will be in a worse position because the little half-caste will be mis-fits in both India and the UK. And quit whining on the internet like a little pansy. Also Nikki is a girls name you alien idiot.
Message: indians in uk no matter how hard they try will still ba called pakis.and an indian muslim born in uk.east or west yo india is the best.if youre hindu. if muslim youre screwed wherever you are
proud asian
I cant stand Asian people who try to fit into white society by trying to be white, pathetic just like chinese.japanese who think they are white and get a rude shock when called chinks etc. Stick to your own culture Indian ppl. Asian countries have civilizations going back thousands of years when europeans lived in bogs and marshes. White people killed the natives of Alaska,Canada,Usa and Austraila, and took their countries. They still control all non white governments, and media etc. because of this influence people trying to copy them. Have some respect for your origins people.
Message: Well, I feel the indians abroad still live in the 50's. Back in Delhi I know many who have a lot of liberty. I think elder indians abroad need to come back and see the change to let go of their idiotic beliefs.
Change is a part of every culture, while I dont forget I'm Indian I do think the world is a smaller place and its fair to adapt to it. I feel sad for you guyz abroad; well come back n we'll party :o)
Message: so does everyone just think my previous response to Nikki's thoughts and feelings were crazy?
Date: January 25, 2006 at 10:44:47
From: Christopher, []
Subject: Re: Indian children in England?
Ali - please see new posting; Indian Children in England. Clash of cultures, submitted January 25th 2006.

By Chris on Thursday, August 16, 2007 - 06:14 pm: Edit Post

I loved what Ali said on the previous 'Indian Children in England' discussion - not just what was said but more importantly the way it was said – with such a passion. I am English writer who has two books with an agent with a view to being published. Both novels deal with being British-Indian. I'd love to know more about this culture clash - in particular Ali's. That story really interests me. Any help or anecdotes supplied will be treated in the strictest confidence, no names used, and if my work is published I will certainly pay, depending on the level of time etc you give. It can all be done by email, messenger or whatever.

Thanks in advance,


By Rachana on Monday, May 07, 2012 - 09:47 am: Edit Post

Hi again!I think we've been getting cheilrdn to specialize too soon for years and there is also the point made by Ken Robinson (see TED talks) that the paths that cheilrdn are pushed down are themselves too narrow (too much focus on narrow educational outcomes with a handful of courses and outcomes (hate that word) being the be all and end all). In other words, the purpose of education is entry to a good University and perhaps a professional career'. I don't think so.Also, if societies are ageing fast then kids aged 5 or 10 today will have an extra 5, 10, 15 years+ to decide what they want to be so why the rush?BTW, interesting report in the UK papers today that work ethic, not skills or educational attainment is the key thing. 82% of employers rated attitude as important when recruiting at entry levels posts' versus 38% citing literacy and numeracy (all 3 would be nice of course). The report from the Center for Social Studies concludes that a fourth R' should be added to reading writing and arithmetic responsibility.'The big question, of course, is how to you teach a work ethic? How, in fact, do you instill ambition in cheilrdn? If anyone has a perfect answer I'll let my kids know, but I'm doing my best.

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